exit only

Today is a sad, sad day for me.

Today I booked my flight to my sisters wedding.

Sigh.

And I’m not sad for the reason you’re thinking. Not because I think my sister is making a heinous mistake that’s going to see her living in a trailer park in some inbred town on the east coast, raising 7 kids that all look like they’ve dropped their ice-cream cones in the sandbox. No.

It’s because it’s been almost a full year since I’ve paid for a flight. In the last year I’ve flown back and forth to BC close to 10 times, Calgary twice (once for the Calgary stampede – yee haw!), and my personal favorite; Hawaii. Each one of these flights has only cost me taxes. That’s it. Usually it’s about 7 dollars.

So to have to shell out $450 bucks to fly to Halifax today is making me want to throw up.

See the BGFF works for an airline and when you work for an airline you get to pick one extra special BFF to allow essentially free flights. And I was his BFF. It was amazing. And soooo cheap.

But recently he exchanged my name for another. His close personal friend from high school took my position as BFF. So sad. Like being demoted on someone’s speed dial from position 1 to 2.

I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he too is a gay male who has, on occasion performed a certain ‘job’ that I just couldn’t do. Ahem.

So, I’ve begun to consider the following… what if I went to the airport and started hitting on flight attendants? I mean, if I could get a flight attendant to date me, I could solve all my problems at once.

1. I’d have a boyfriend and people would stop looking at me like I’m crazy for being single for so long.
2. I’d get free flights again, thus allowing me to maintain all my cross country friends.
and
3. I’d be traveling again, this time with a boy whom I could have sex with on every beach across the continent. (Just like my BGFF)

Of course there’s a huge problem with my plan, I know. I don’t’ really believe that straight men are flight attendants so my quest could be comparable to the search for the Lock Ness Monster or Big foot…

Hmmm… but maybe it’s worth a shot, even if he is gay… I mean, I can’t stomach the idea of shelling this kind of money out for plane tickets on a normal basis.

Hmmm… I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad to have a gay boyfriend. I mean, believe me I could use the fashion advice and he’d probably be very romantic and buy me great thoughtful gifts…

Yikes. Wait. No. I don’t think I could handle all the expected backdoor action. Yikes. I still remember the first time a boy tip toed his finger back there. I clenched so hard I’m surprised he still has that finger.

I guess I’ll have to accept it and start paying. Please tip your waiters, your tips are not going towards the ‘exit only’ fund.

Still single and still JASG…