peanut butter goo

Our very first dinner party. Sigh. I’ll remember it always.
I was so effing stressed out. I developed 3 pimples as the day progressed. Ok 2 but the other one lingered because of stress.
I basically flew out of the office at 5, grabbed a quick tan because I need to shed these tan lines and I’m carrying on a minor flirtation with the yummy yummy mimbo that works there. Mmm…. Mimbo…
Ok back to my night. So I come out, tanned and happy, and race to the grocery store clutching my grocery list like it’s the million dollar ticket. Spinach, check, whole-wheat un-cooked noodles, check, chicken stock cube? Wtf? Check.
I raced around grabbing items I’d never even considered before, throwing them into my cart like this was all normal and I whipped up fabulous meals every night using such ingredients as ‘basil’ - ? I’m in trouble. I run for the bulk food and start devouring reeses pieces straight from the bin. Normally I would casually fill a bag and then sneakily eat them as I pushed my cart around the market, then drop the empty bag half-hazardly on the ground on my way to check out. Not this time. I was shoveling them into my mouth like that Asian kid who eats the hotdogs dipped in water.
Then it happened, ‘excuse me miss’? I felt a tap on my shoulder and the 4 reeses pieces that were on their way to my mouth dropped to the floor. I’m so busted I thought. This is how I’m going to go down. Accused of stealing at a grocery store? I turned at it was another shopper. She asked where I had found the creaser salad kits, I pointed, my mouth full of peanut butter goo.
At this point I rushed to the check out. As I waited my turn I went into a nice sugary buzz. My jaw went slack, my eyes unfocused and I relaxed for the first time all day. After 5 minutes of standing in the same place, I shook my head and realized, ‘It’s been 5 minutes and I’m still in the same place’. I had managed to pick the absolute worst line possible. This kid who was running the cash register, was more concerned with spinning each item mid air before scanning the items, then actually scanning the items. I looked to the girl whose items he was twirling and saw the look of pain, frustration and fear on her face. Each time he reached for a jar of tomato sauce and tossed it in the air, slammed it into the bag, her face went a little whiter. This performance went on for another 10 minutes. He dropped things, double scanned them, couldn’t find codes (no doubt due to the fact that he was dancing while looking). It was the most painful shopping experience of my life. When it was finally my turn I fixed my gaze on my cell phone and pretended not to notice the shenanigans.
I ran from the grocery store, and started the quick walk home. I ran in and started cooking up a storm. I followed my recipe to a T. Cook meat, add various things I’ve never heard of, layer in pan, add cheese I’ve never heard of, repeat, spinach, more meat… blah blah blah.
Just as I placed my masterpiece in the oven Nate appeared wine in hand. He tackled the bathroom while I cleaned up the kitchen, set the table and ran to tidy my room (gotta hate the open concept when you’re having people over). We ran around like kids with Turrets until his brother and girlfriend showed up.
We chatted, drank 5 bottles of wine and ate like we had never eaten before. On the menu? Portuguese Lasagna, garlic bread and Caesar salad, with tiramisu for dessert.
Mmmm hmmmm
Martha Stewart has got nothing on me!
Of course she may not have gotten quite as drunk as I did. And she may not have had a centerpiece of condoms and lube on the table (don’t ask) while serving… but whatever. No one throws a dinner party like JASG…